Unsent Messages

this was written about the day my heartbreak finally sunk in: "I quicken my pace and reach the final stair. Very much out of breath, I open the heavy metal door, the cold autumn wind escapes through the door and greets me. Although the weather is chilly, I feel a warming sensation blossom across my chest. The air reek of the smell of fried chicken from the restaurant nearby. The warming sensation started to feel like a burn instead. I feel a knot form at the bottom of my throat and the pit of my stomach. Memories of being here for hours, talking about who knows what with him floods my thoughts. I look around at the empty lot, there’s faded graffiti on the side of the wall and trash someone left behind. The parking lot paint is dull and has faded into an ugly mustard color. This place seems a lot more small than it used to feel. No one is here today, perfect. I make my way to the “our spot”. I get a flashback of the time we both snuck out of our houses in highschool with our friends to hangout here at 3am. Our friends were too tired and decided to stay in the car as we raced to the top of the garage. We barely knew each other then, but still, we stood here at this exact spot for hours as I got to know the boy I eventually loved for so long. I remember our conversions being so good that I hid the fact that my fingers were numb and concealed my very obvious shivering. I just wanted to stay up there with him longer. I let out a soft chuckle when I remember him telling me a year later that he was also freezing that night but hid it as well to stay longer with me. My soft smile drops when I realize we don’t speak anymore. I get to the edge of the lot and look down at the street. That’s a far drop. Six whole flights of stairs, that would probably hurt if I fell huh. The sun is about to set as the golden sky fades into a sky of cotton candy. There were few clouds but they scattered across the horizon perfectly like a painting. I wish he was here with me right now. I wonder what he’s up to right now. I feel tears form in the corners of my eyes so I clench my fists so tight that I could feel my nails dig painfully into my palm to stop the tears. It’s been five months already. If it wasn’t for covid I would still be back in my dorm with all of my friends celebrating Cinco De Mayo right now. But life’s unfair, instead here I am, back at my stinky hometown being all corny and soft, revisiting this place knowing how it was going to make me feel. Stupid, who falls in love at a parking garage anyways. His birthday was yesterday, he never said anything to me about the letter I left him. Not even a text, he’d usually at least text me thank you. Maybe he doesn’t care anymore, or maybe he hates me. Who cares, it doesn’t matter. I hate that I care. Seeing his birthday posts on all of our friend’s social media didn’t help either. My heart sinks to the thought of him watching the sunset with anybody else. I look down at my feet on the concrete pavement and watch as a single tear falls to my feet. Ew, I’m grossed out by the fact that I am letting someone make me feel this way. “What the hell you soft stupid fuck” I say to myself aloud. I quickly wipe away any tears and try to enjoy the view. The sun creates a brilliant white half crescent on the horizon making the sky a deep fiery orange red. The street lights suddenly turn on all at once including the lights next to me. I get another flashback of a different time we were here. I was sitting on the edge of the wall next to this exact light pole. He was yelling at me to get down but I refused, telling him I only live my life on the edge. So he stayed there grabbing the bottom half of my body to make sure I wouldn’t fall. We sat there and watched the sky go from a beautiful deep magenta sunset to a starry night sky that day. The kiss he left on my forehead still lingers. I reach up and touch the spot on my forehead. Ew what am I doing, this isn’t like me, why am I reminiscing? I try to shake the sinking feelings away. My feelings anger me and makes me feel weak and pathetic. This ache I feel in my heart was unfamiliar. I realize that after the breakup I never let myself feel. I just partied and had my college friends with me everyday. Maybe this was the heartbreak finally sinking in. The sky radiates a soft pink afterglow. The air gets colder and I pull my cardigan tighter around my shoulders. It feels as if the burning in my chest and knots in my stomach combined to form a legit physical pain in my heart. Who knew heartbreak could actually physically hurt. I feel a tingly numbing sensation spread from my hands and feet to my arms and legs. With a feeling of defeat, I sit down with my back leaning against the edge of the garage wall. I let out a quiet sob and finally let myself cry it out. I guess you have to let yourself feel to let yourself heal. Like any typical corny heartbroken teen, I pull my phone out and open up the photo album of us. Scrolling through the hundreds of happy memories, I open up a video of him and I being goofy and dancing like stupid kids in his kitchen. I let out a half laugh and half cry. But that was so long ago, that person only exists in my memories now. Things change, people change and feelings change, everything is temporary. First loves never last. Maybe we were meant to meet but not meant to be. I tap select all and with streams of tears down my cold cheeks I tap delete all."