Unsent Messages

i remember I used to write “maybe If this were another life, you’d fall in love with me” and I remember when I started to write “maybe this is the other life, where we are in love and happy.” I’m glad I met you, I really am. I’m glad I could make you smile for a little while, and I made you feel loved... I had a dream about two nights ago and you were in it... I kept running past you, until you turned and locked eyes with me... then it all came rushing back... all the memories, the feelings, then I slowed down... turning around as you once again started to walk away from me. I gently grabbed onto the bottom of your shirt, and tugged at it, making you stop. You turned around and you smiled at me like only you can. But, while it was filled with love, there was an underlining sadness to this exchange. I couldn’t maintain eye contact, I looked down with my head against your chest as we just stood there. I asked you “why?” “why did you say we could stay friends then leave me completely?” “why’d you never come back after awhile?” And I started crying... you pulled me close, you hugged me tightly, and then you said “I guess you’re still my baby, huh?” And while in that moment I thought “not really” I just continued to cry like that in your arms, for the final time again. I woke up feeling really empty. I know I’m still holding on to your words, every little thing you said and did meant so much to me because I trusted you, and wanted to believe in you no matter what, because it was you. Loving people is so difficult, loving someone like me was really hard wasn’t it? I’m sorry darling. I relied on you too much, and I really do hate myself for that, because you got overwhelmed, and that was the one thing I was so scared of... I did the only thing I didn’t want to do... I love you, and you loved me, but I know it had to be hard... loving me... It’s hard for me too, so I understand. I’m sorry, I made you feel that way... I really can’t get the things you said out of my head. You know the only thing I could think to say to you at first was sorry.. sorry for loving you... sorry for making you love me, sorry for us, for everything. I really couldn’t process anything even though, it was something I already expected. But, I understood so I refused to be upset until I eventually collapsed and couldn’t get back up. Sometimes I still can’t get back up, but it’s not because I was in love with you and you broke up with me. No, it’s because you said you still wanted me to be in your life because you still loved me and cared about me, then stopped talking to me entirely. It hurts because you were my friend before anything else, and to me that will always be what matters the most to me.... You were so special to me, and then I unintentionally hurt you. That’ll always hurt me more than anything else... Knowing I hurt and made the person I loved with all my heart feel so overwhelmed. You deserve the world, and someone who you don’t have to constantly worry about. I’m sorry that we fell in love, and that we were so happy, and that I saw so much in you... I’m sorry that I held your hands, and that I kissed you goodbye.... I’m sorry I always told you how happy I was to know you... I’m sorry that you looked at me like I was everything and more... I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see myself how you or any of our friends saw me... But, thank you so much for staying as long as you did, and trying your best... Thank you for believing in me and wanting the best for us both... Everyone keeps telling me I’m so bright, and that I’m like the sun, and that I’m so warm and comforting... yet it’s so hard to except because I don’t think I’m anything like you... Because that’s how I view you. I hope that one day we can meet again, and when we do, I’ll be able to embrace the fact that I can am a gentle flame too. I could never ask you to wait for me... I could never ask you to stay until I got better... and that’s okay. I’ll still get better and grow without you by my side. so, I hope one day we can talk again like we used to, laugh together like we used to... be friends again. I’ve always told you that if you need to talk, if you need to be comforted, or just need someone there to sit in silence with, I’ll always be here, and I meant it. I’m a phone call away always... I love you, please be well...you deserve the world and much more...

yours truly,

d.w