Unsent Messages

hey. i dont know how to feel. part of me wants to forgive you and get to say i love you one more time and another part of me says i should never forgive you for everything. i dont think you ever even apologized to me once. not even when you made me cry on halloween in 2017. or when you would throw things, like the time you flipped over our recliner and the time you broke a broom trying to get to our dog. you terrified me. sometimes i can still smell you or hear you yelling my name. its so hard to remember your face. i can stare at pictures for hours but once im not looking i cant picture you at all. i dont remember hardly any of our few good times together. you were either there and yelling and throwing things, there and silent, playing video games or huddled away in your room sleeping. sometimes i wonder if you ever laid a hand to me. i dont remember. its been a while since i laid and cried and cried until my eyes were swollen and my throat raw, wishing i could trade places with you. i remember our last conversation. a phone call. i was upset about something, not sure what. you asked and i said i just wanted you home because you'd been in the hospital for days now. you said you would come home soon. that's not what i meant. i wanted you home alive, back to me and the dogs. now im crying again. id give anything to have you back even after all you did. i never got to say goodbye. im sorry i wasnt a better daughter. i miss krista. i hope you guys are together somewhere. you were the least worst when you were with her. i hope im not letting you down. im sorry that i like girls. i know you would hate that.