Unsent Messages

I wake up every morning with a broken heart but you only lost a friend. I don’t understand your regrets, your sadness, and I don’t understand you. I look down because that’s the only way I see myself. I poured my heart out to you, so of course I still cry over you. You told me that I was too confusing and that you don’t understand me, how am I suppose to explain my pain, my sadness, or anything to you if I can’t put it into words for you to comprehend. Trust me, there is no need for you to remind me that I fucked up. I probably said things to you that I shouldn’t have and I was too invested in our relationship to consider reality. But I just wanted you to understand me, to hear me. I still consider you to be someone who broke me but I like to remember you as the guy who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I don’t like to fall asleep because everyday that goes by is another day that we are not talking. I do miss you and I miss the late night conversations about stupid shit but I also miss the very real conversations we would have about life. I’m not upset that you didn’t want me but I’m upset that you lied about it. I never wanted the long version, the short version, the version that would make me feel better, I wanted the version that was right for you. I bailed, I ignored you, I removed you, I did anything to avoid you. This was because the things you said were always changing so I knew none of it was true. You adjusted what you said so often because you noticed something different, like my attitude, my responses, my quietness, it was obvious that the things you said were based on how it made me feel not how you actually felt. Just like you, I don’t know why I am writing this, I don’t know why I care anymore, I know I want you to be here for me but not because I said so but because you want to be. I don’t think our time has been wasted, in-fact I think about the times we were together because I envy those moments. I just wish I knew where you stood at the time because you never had to fake feelings for me. Even though we stopped talking and a part of me feels lost, to me, your the guy that no matter what happens, I would run back to. I realized that the right person will help you love yourself and that’s what happened to me, but the unfortunate thing is that I wasn’t the right person for you. I don’t think you ever realized how happy and sad you made me but that’s my fault because the tiniest things either make me happy or it can break my heart. I’m glad I taught you a lesson but the only thing I learned was to use my mind before my heart.