Unsent Messages

i still love you. and i know this is the shittest time possible for you. but you talked about how your old distant friend now new close friend has been flirty and i can’t take it. that’s why i get so defensive. i don’t want you getting hurt but also. i don’t know that i can sit here and watch you talk to one more girl. god after that one football game last year in september. yeah, last year, september, when you facetimed me after we had hung out at the game. it was like a flashback. when i was telling you about that thing that came up in my “one year ago today,” it was me talking about how much i missed you. it’s been going on for so long now and i was never good enough to you because i have the stupidest way of showing my emotions. but oh my god i think about you all the time. every time i watch national lampoons christmas vacation. every time i think about the song perfect by ed sheeran bc of one stupid car ride. every time i see your mom. every time i think about or see purdue or the browns or the red wings or wolves. or swim meets because of 8th grade going so i could see you. or baseball. all of that. and i know i broke up with you. but that’s because i felt pressure to do it, from people around me. i’m glad we both had that time away from each other to grow. and i am so thankful we reconnected because you are such an amazing person to have around. you are so caring and so compassionate and i honestly don’t know what i did to get someone like you in my life but i’m glad you’re here. and i know that you see me in a friend way, but i can’t help but to wonder if any feelings that aren’t friendship are still there. you were my first boyfriend, i was your first girlfriend. i don’t know maybe it was the way that you were able to just move on that got to me but i remember seeing you with kennedy that first time. jealousy. i was mean about it because i didn’t want to admit i was jealous. but i was. hell i still am. when you talk about talking to other girls even though i have no reason to get jealous because it’s been 2 years and it was my doing, i still get jealous. i think it’s because i’m still stuck on you and i don’t know why. i’ve had multiple talking stages. but i never keep the feelings. i always end up thinking about you and i know it’s stupid. i do. i get it. but it’s the truth. i think about your goofy ass self, how passionate you are, how genuinely sweet and caring, gentle in like a protective way, nice, funny, and just all around amazing you are. not to mention that i’m still so attracted to you (not that that matters). and you are insanely smart and talented and you care about school which is one of the things i love about you. the fact that you care about that stuff. you’re an insanely talented writer and i love how excited you get watching other people get into it when they read it. we’ve talked about how much i’ve changed as a person before and i’m so glad you noticed that because i was never as good to you as i should’ve been in the past. and i know this is really sudden and i don’t know if you ever got the vibe or notion that i might feel this way but yeah. and if you don’t feel the same way.... just say so. i can take it i promise. i’ve sat back and watched and been there as a friend for about a year now. i can keep doing it. and i want to. because if you don’t feel the same i don’t want this message to take any toll on our friendship. because i really do cherish it and i’m really glad we’ve gotten close again. but on the other hand. if by any chance you do feel the same in the slightest. please tell me. i don’t know where that leaves us. but please tell me. i just need to know if i overreact about stuff or if there’s any chance that you still have the slightest feelings for the girl you met in 8th grade. we’ve both changed a lot for the better. especially me, i’m more self aware now and can recognize how what i say can affect other people which i was terrible at back then. all this to say if there is any possibility that you’d think about giving me another chance please tell me. like i said i have no idea where that leaves us and i know this is a really weird vulnerable time for you and i want you to take as long as you need on this. i don’t want you thinking that i’m taking advantage of your situation either. it’s just not that you’re talking about this girl, i don’t wanna sit back and see you get with someone else and wonder “well what if i had said something?” you know? but just, think about it. once again, if you don’t feel the same, forget this message ever existed, and we’ll just stay good friends like we are. because i’d rather have you like that than not at all. but if you do feel a little bit the same, let’s talk about it. because i want you for worse or for better. no matter what, i love you ______ ________, even just as my friend. we’re always gonna have a special kinda bond even if that’s just as friends.