Unsent Messages

Okay this has gone on for so long and it’s mentally draining me , it’s not fair on you for me to put so much pressure on you and I’m sorry. Everything that’s going on with us is so messed up and anyone with any common sense would have left by now but yet I’m still here... a part of me wants a clear answer from you but then a part of me doesn’t know if I can handle the real thruth. I’m tired of putting in more effort than I receive and tired of holding on and getting my hopes up just to end up being dissapointed over and over again. I love you and care about you so much but you just keep on hurting me over and over again. It’s not fair to me or you or anyone but the messed up part is that your hurting me and I know your not treating me right and that I deserve better but yet I still stay anyways, because when you love someone you hold on even when there’s so many reasons to leave. I know in my head that it’s not meant to be and that I’m crazy for still holding on but I still have a tiny bit of hope that maybe you’ll love me the way I love you. I know you already told me you love me but honestly I don’t believe that you’ve ever truly loved me because that’s not how things work you don’t get to love me and love her. I think you just get lonely at night and love the fact that I love you, you love the idea of me but you don’t love me. Now I know I don’t have perfect beautiful hair or eyes and that I have a lot of of flaws and I’ll never be anywhere close to perfect so
I get it I understand that why you don’t love me I understand why you don’t want me, but I’ve pushed everyone away because they aren’t you so you can’t be mad at me for trying to move on because you have your shot and you could have me if you wanted but you don’t. The thing I don’t understand tho is that we tried to live without eachother and not talk to eachother but it didn’t work and we both realized that we can’t and you say I’m on your mind 24-7 but yet that’s still not enough and that’s what I’ll never understand