Unsent Messages

I can still feel all the pain you put me through and it’s tearing me apart. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna trust you, and the worst part is that I feel bad about it. I feel like I’ve been fighting all my life for you, but you never fought for me. You always left me like it was nothing. You changed me and then you left. You left me broken. I hate thinking about the past, that’s why I wanted to forget you so badly. It felt so real with you, but every time I think about it, I’m realizing it was just me who felt that way. I always think that I was the one who fucked up, but you were the one who was fucking me up. Yet I still believe it’s all my fault. I feel like I was never good enough and that I’ll never be. I’m really just wondering why you keep coming back, just to do the same things over and over again. You keep lying to me and you keep playing me. But I’m the one who keeps letting you in.. I can’t help it. I’m so scared of you because I just know that you’re gonna break me again. It’s almost like I want you to do it. It’s like I know what’s gonna happen, I’m just hoping for something else. I wish that you would just tell me everything. Explain how you really felt and told me the truth about why you did what you did. It just seems like you’re never really honest with me. No matter how much I try to forget you, I just can’t seem to say goodbye. No matter how much it hurts, I still want you. And I hate myself for that. I should move on, but you’re stuck on me, stuck on my mind. I really want this time to be different, and I want to trust you. I just can’t see how you’re gonna be able to love me, when I’m so insecure about this. You will forever be the best and the worst that’s ever happened to me. I just don’t know if you’ll ever love me truthfully and wholehearted. You still make me happy, also I can’t escape the sadness you brought me. I love forgetting everything with you. I love escaping into our universe. The universe where I can breathe and feel alive. The universe where it’s just you and I. I miss it so much, even though it was never real. I love talking to you. I love laughing with you. I love telling you how beautiful you are in my eyes. Somehow you still make me feel safe, even though you’re the one I’m afraid of. I’m not just afraid of you breaking my heart again, I’m afraid of losing you. You will forever have a place in my heart and I will forever forgive you for everything you ever did to me. I might be better off without you, but I never wanna lose you. I really just hope that everything is gonna make sense some day.