Unsent Messages

whenever i think of poppies, i think of you... same wiht the color red, all because during a workshop i looked at you and saw you smiling and wrote a poem about them.... It's been 4 months since you broke up with me, and since I started therapy. You know... i trusted your words more than anything, so when you said we should stay friends and that you still wanted me in your life... i believed you. I'm not upset at you, and I understand. I just wish you'd atleast let me say the things I needed to say to you instead of saying what you needed then disappearing. I wanted to say thank you... for helping me realize how lovable I am, and letting me love you wholeheartedly, and help you grow. I will never forget the love we shared or the way we looked at eachother. I finally understood what loving and being loved truly meant with you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be happier or atleast not have put so much of my weight on you. While I did set a boundarie and asked you to be honest with me, I know it probably wasn't that easy to be. I know you cared for me so much... too much. I wanted you to love me but more than anything to love me but put yourself first. and you didn't do that. I think about you so much, and when I do I can't breathe because I definitely hurt you, just as you hurt me. You said you knew that you were being cruel as you broke up with me over the phone, and I comforted you. You told me i didn't have to make you feel better when I was the one being hurt but your voice was breaking too... I loved you so much, and wanted nothing more but for the best for both of us, so as much as i wanted you to stay, as much as i wanted you to be there when i got better, I wanted you to be okay, and happy. so I stayed silent when you decided on your own to no longer talk at all, not even as friends... it hurt that you blocked me, and it hurt that i only wanted to check up on you because you said that you were stressed, and i know you don't talk about your feelings... I still hate myself for one thing admist all of this... I wish i could take back what i said... I don't want to forget you, and when i asked you if i could, i wanted you to say no, so badly... I don't hate you. I don't resent you either. But, some of the things you said while breaking up with me.. stil ring in my ears and make me suffocate.... I question whether you really loved me or if you just pitied me, and mistook it for love, but I know you loved me... I know you didn't mean it that way... I know, because of how you are, and how you think. I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still love you as my friend. And I miss you too. I still think about you and all the dumb things we did together while in school, and It's odd... I really saw a future with you, but I've come to terms with how things are now, and I hope you'll always remember that you have a place here with me, and I'll always be a call away if you need me...You were such a lovely person through and through... I'm happy we got to love eachother... and be apart of eachothers lives...

sincerely,

i.w