Unsent Messages

why would you laugh whenever i even mentioned i might like girls? was it such a far away concept that i might not be straight? you laughed and made it a big deal to our friends, made me feel ashamed. it only took a month after our friendship ended for me to completely accept myself as bi. but why did you make it so i had to shove that part of me away from everyone? i said somethings that i regret now, things that make me seem lowkey homophobic, just to try and cover up the fact that i liked girls too. but you agreed with me. and i never said anything outright offensive because it made me sick, but i still needed to try and cover up the fact that i wasn't straight. why is that such a big deal? why did you make it into such a big deal? when one of our other friends came out you were fine with it I'm pretty sure, so why couldn't you be okay with me? because of you i still have lingering insecurites, and have only come out to one friend and my sis. no one from our old friend group knows, partially because i know that they'd tell you. but i want you to know you hurt me and that you make it difficult for me to accept myself. and it sucks being in the closet and i hate it and i want to come out, but because of you i'm scared. and that's not even a good reason to be scared, because you shouldn't have anything to do with the way i view myself, but even now, when we haven't talked in almost a year, you still affect me. i have new friends, but i still miss you. i don't even hate you. i'll always love you. you were my first true best friend. i just wish my sexual orientation didn't have to affect our friendship.