Unsent Messages

allister. even though you were not my first, i want you to be my last. sometimes i feel crappy abt our relationship. but i know its not your fault. im literally in love with you and nothing can change that. im still learning how to manage my emotions and im trying to make sure that i dont make you feel bad, bc thats the last thing i want. i wont ever understand what you go through with bpd, but im doing my best to learn more abt it. im mentally preparing myself for if you ever spilt on me or lash out. im really trying my hardest in our relationship. sometimes i might crack and j breakdown and im sorry that sometimes i go to carter or someone else, but its only because i never want you to think your the problem or causing my pain. i have a hard time opening up to you because i love you so much, i never want to drive you away with my trauma or dumb feelings, because majority of the issues are just me overreacting. but im really trying to do better for you and be the best version of myself. i want you to see the good in me, not just the messed up version or the one who is always so pessimistic and complaing about every damn thing. i want you to see the genuine version of me, the side of me that doesn't always wanna die, or me when im not struggling w an ed. you make me into a better person and im forever grateful for it. no matter what happens, i love you for you. dont change for anyone, and dont stress over the things you cant change.