Unsent Messages

Dude I cannot tell you the amount of smiles you gave me. I also cannot tell you the amount of times I have cried over you. We are not the type to say it's "the right person, wrong time." But I think we can agree that our egos were too loud for our feelings. Yes, I am crying. I tried Logan, I tried to explain, I tried to make you understand, I tried to let you in. But I'm just not that strong yet. Like many people do, I come from a broken family, emotions are never expressed, conversations are short and mean, just a toxic unhealthy relationship that no decent human should ever have to experience. So yeah, I'm a little broken, messed up, sad, and I can't seem to handle certain feelings. And this is the craziest part, no one really knows this about me because I smile or go quiet. I like it this way because it makes people less curious and the less curious people are, the less they ask questions. You see, I couldn't fool you. You really acted like you cared. You were so genuine. So I trusted you. You were the first person I talked to about my family and why I couldn't sleep, why I worked so much, why I was nice to everyone, why I did not like people caring about me. Then you told me about your fears and your family. I don't even know where to start about when I liked you because it wasn't at once and it wasn't because of the things you said or did, it was everything that you made me feel. I once told you my biggest fear. But somehow, you made me change my perspective on it. I will never find someone like you and trust me I have been trying. You are certainly one of a kind. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and check to see your notification but it hasn't been there for the past five months. I know, it's on me that I fucked it up with ignorance and the “i love you still.” I know I can be a bitch and I know I am confusing. Just know it wasn't you I was confused about.