Unsent Messages

i don't know if what im feeling is normal - im numb. i don't consider anyone to be my friend anymore - im bored of them. they bring me happiness for a couple hours, sure, but right after, nothing feels the same. i feel fake. i feel like a fake fucking friend and im not proud of it. i had this one girl who was my best friend. i would text her everyday even though she would respond one or two hours later. i loved her - i loved her a lot. we kind of just drifted, y'know? i started a stupid argument with her that i shouldn't have. it sucks. she made me feel happy. after we stopped talking, i started writing about her on this website. i wrote all my inner and deepest feelings about her - i made her uncomfortable. she told me she felt uncomfortable and immediately brushed it under the carpet. i didn't like that she brushed it off like it was nothing - like she wouldn't have cared if someone did her dirty. i felt hurt that she didn't care about how fucked up i was to write about her. i feel like her expectations are so low at this point. it honestly fucking sucks. after that, the blocked me. Im just a mess at this point. i can't go a day without thinking abt the argument and abt her. i don't want it to seem like im blaming her for my numbness because it isn't her fault. its like im drifting away in this dark fucking spiral of nothing. i don't feel present in my body. i feel like im just watching myself get more fucked as time goes on - like a movie. at this point, its just a matter of time of when my time will run out. i want to feel alive - to feel like there's something worth living for. for now, im me. - a girl who's 5'5.5, with brown eyes and brown hair - i fucking hate it