Unsent Messages

I’m so fucking pissed off. I found texts from the first year we were together. you said you couldn’t imagine yourself ever breaking up with me for any reason. you told me that I was stuck with you for the rest of my life. I’m drunk and I’m fucking pissed off because that wasn’t true. here we are, not together and I’m so fucking angry. I’m so mad. I was never supposed to have to feel like this. I picked out bridesmaid colors and we chose our kids names together and we chose where we were going to move as soon as you graduated from college. I’m so fucking pissed off because that future isn’t going to happen and I’m going to have to miss you for the rest of my life. I miss you so much I would give anything to get a hug from you right now. I miss you making some stupid fucking joke that would make me crack a smile. I miss how much you loved me at the beginning. I can’t breathe. I don’t know how to live without you. I loved you so much, with every single part of me and now I don’t know who I am. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you but I wish you were here more than anything. I want you to hug me and kiss me even though I’ve been crying and there’s snot coming out of my nose and tell me you don’t care because you love me. I’m so mad. I’m so fucking angry. this was never supposed to happen. everyone always said wow it’s so crazy that you guys will never have to go through a heartbreak again. here we fucking are. here I am. I’m so fucking mad. this wasn’t supposed to happen, we were supposed to move to portland and have baby rosaline and wyatt. we were supposed to be happy and we were suppose to grow old together and we were suppose to die at exactly the same time because I never wanted to live a second of my life without you and I never wanted you to have to mourn me. I miss you. I’m not okay.