Unsent Messages

none will know this is me, none will know this is for you.
every time i fall asleep i imagine you next to me like before. you small ugly place could have not been great, but we were together in it. this is how i understand how much i loved you. i went through shit to be with you, i risked my life, my relationship with my family, my going to school on time, the sights of the people in the neighbourhood, i stepped over my principles and expectations to be with you, just being with you was enough for me, it was even too much, i couldn't ask more. i was grateful to whatever God there is but it seems this was no good. i miss you. i miss hugging you from behind when i was cold, and you'd forget i was there and turn your back grabbing most of the blanket... i miss you, with your early soft lips kissing me, with your warm hands and feet, warming up mine. i love you still and i don't know when i will finally forget you. i hope you are fine even though i attempt to hate you for not even giving me a simple why and sorry. i guess it hurts more if you come just for that, i want you to come to stay. because i want to hold your hands again, i want to rest my head on your chest and feel your scent. i miss your scent, you know my perfume and told me you'd remember me like that. how stupid i did not realise that was a goodbye... how stupid i did not believe you were capable of that. you think you were being romantic, love? it hurts even more. how do i remember your smell? i miss your skin's scent, not the perfume i bought you. i want to run my hands through your hair because i just want. i just want to dive in you once again. i don't wanna do anything useful in this goddamn world, but just touch you, just dive in you love. be able to see you, to watch you, stare at you, at your big black eyes that sometimes show me emptiness, that sometimes make me question if you actually love me or even anyone else in this world. because you are so warm but i'm afraid you are very cold inside. i miss you and i love you, with all your demons and wrongs. because i simply love you, do i need to give one more excuse for still wishing to be next to you, when i should wish you death? no no please don't die, never die. my heart cannot handle losing you. breathe somewhere. i wish you could simply breathe pressed to my lips. i don't wanna do anything but be able to kiss you, just enjoy your taste once more. please be here again, come to me. i won't push you if you tell me you've kept loving me all this time. i miss you, i'll say it loud. please be my destiny even though you did the worst thing to me. i'm ashamed, yet not all, to have been loving you so strongly no matter what... i did never know i was capable of a love of this size... i love you.