Unsent Messages

I remember when I would think about you and get butterflies. Every snap, call, text gave me butterflies. I would wake up to good morning beautiful, and fall asleep with you on the phone. I miss listening to you talk about your day every night,even if you didn’t do anything. I want you to text me that you miss me again like you used too. I want you to be in my bed again. I want to lay on your chest while our legs are intertwined and I have my hand up your shirt. I want you to come over early and cuddle me again. I want you to want me.
Now every snap or call makes me nauseous and gives me anxiety. I want to talk to you so bad but I’m scared that you’ve sent me another snap of you with another girl. it breaks me knowing you want her more and do more for her than you will ever do for me. You wouldn’t date me even though I was willing to wait. You wouldn’t drive to see me even though I wanted to see you. You wouldn’t claim me because you wouldn’t date me. You wouldn’t show me off, or be proud about being with me. You may have hurt me really really bad but I never regretted anything. I don’t like talking about you anymore because every time I do Im reminded by all of our friends of how stupid I was for letting you use me or how I was your rebound and you didn’t gaf about me. It breaks me the most knowing how I am so willing to go out of my way to make small gestures to be kind and show you I care even after you send me a video of you and another girl giving you head, you and her flipping me off, you sending me a video of you bragging about your night while in another girls bed. and no matter how bad it hurt me and I continue to be the best friend I can be.
Not to mention you told me you didn’t remember us having sex the last time. And that hurts too, sex is difficult for me and you know that. It’s not something I can just do with anybody. I had sex with you because I trust you with my body and I love you. The part that hurt the most were our conversations inbetween us having sex. The fact you don’t remember out conversations feels like I mean nothing to you. The next night you slept at my house I didn’t sleep because I was scared you we going to choke on your vomit. You drank way too much and I had to get up and give you water while rubbing your back to make sure you weren’t going to throw up in bed. And when I tried to turn away and fall asleep you grabbed me and told me you wanted me to cuddle you. I waited for you to fall asleep that night and whispered I love you in your ear. because I do. I would do anything for you.