Unsent Messages

i met someone today. when we got to talking i got the same feeling i got when i met you; except he wasn't you. it got me thinking so let me get this off my chest...

you told me to leave so i left. you were so unhappy and i thought it was because of me. i never would have left if i thought i could help or even make things the slightest bit better, but we both know at that point we were absolutely toxic to each other. both of us. i don't hold these things against you or even really think you did them on purpose because we were learning. you broke me. so bad i didn't even admit it to myself. it made me feel stupid and unimportant. i still find myself replaying some of the things you would say to me. i knew that you were just hurting but then somewhere along the way i started hurting too. i forgot who you were and i didn't even exist anymore. i was so lost and i just missed you.

seeing you again last year was a mistake. i don't entirely remember what i said, but i'm sure it was certainly less than polite. for that i'm so sorry. it was a reflection of how i was feeling, not about who you are. you have every right to feel however it is that i made you felt. i hope one day you can forgive me.

i am so mad at you. i will always be so mad at you. i mean how could i not be, you know? it's okay to be mad at me too.. just don't ever hate me okay?
i am so hopeful for you jack. i know that you will do something so beautiful with your life. i picture you in ten years laughing and smiling with your wife in the kitchen, and your little ones running around. you always said you'd die young but jack, i know that you'll live to be old and grey with wrinkled lines around your happy eyes. you have no idea how often i think of you fondly or notice small things that always somehow lead back to you. i think everyone thinks their love story is the one that will last. i had no doubt in my mind ours would. i think i'll always deep down be expecting you to show up at my doorstep, but i know that's not realistic. i'm ready to cut my losses and move on (i know, finally right). not because i'm over you, that's just not possible. i'm tired of missing you. i'm ready to be excited for you now. jack, our love story may have not ended in happily ever after or whatever but for what it's worth i will never forget you.