Unsent Messages

Thank you. Thank you for being so good to me no matter how distant I was, and for loving me no matter how little affection I showed you. You showed me how to truly love someone, and that love is real and more serious than I thought. You showed me my worth and how well I should be treated. But we were too young. Maybe we will cross paths again, once we are older and can truly learn how to love. Because you treated me better than I ever would have asked for. But I left you, unappreciative of everything you gave me. I know you were mad when you told me all those things, because I broke your heart for the first time. I crushed you harder than you ever deserved to be, and you deserve the world. I hope you can find someone who will truly appreciate and take care of you like I never did. Looking back on everything you did for me, I realize that I took it all for granted. I crushed you like you never even mattered to me, when the truth is that I don't even matter to myself. I didn't even realize this back then, but I only hurt you because I never understood how much you loved me. And I thought that anyone else could give me everything you did, but I am so wrong. I took you for granted and tried to move onto something better, hurting myself in the meantime. Now, I cry every night knowing that I will never be loved the way you loved me. Because, as you said, no one else will love me for the way I am. Everyone will only love me for the way I look, not the way I love. And I thought you said that because you were mad, but you were completely right. Now, I feel like everyone in my life uses me for the way I look to show me off like a display. you just sit back and watch this happen, unable to say or do anything because I hurt you so bad that you are scared of it happening again. I made you afraid of love. and I'm tired of forgiving people, and exsausted of life overall. I'm so tired. and now, my new boyfriend only complements my looks, and degrades himself. Talking about how he never thought he would "get" me because I'm out of his league. anyone else may take this as a complement, but I'm so used to it at this point that it just makes me sick to my stomach. I just wanna be appreciated the way you appreciated me. The way you asked me if I'm ok, if I'm tired, how I'm really feeling, and our daily facetimes and talks about our day. I miss you. I miss everything we had. And maybe I'm building up the idea of what we had to the point of me comparing it to everything I have now, and everything I've lost. but I'm so numb, and its hard for me to feel anything anymore. Its hard for me to miss the things I've lost, and enjoy the things I love. Sometimes, its even hard for me to cry, and get out of bed in the morning. but I do in hopes of me finding happiness again. Every day is an endless loop of the same thing over and over again, and I'm so tired. I miss you and your family. and my family misses you. I just think that I needed time to understand and truly love myself and learn what love really means, but if we cross paths again and we are meant to be, then let it happen. it may not, but everything happens for a reason. I love you and miss you, but I can't tell you because I know that I hurt you and I would draw you back into something that may crash and burn again, all because of me. and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.