Unsent Messages

i confuse romantic and platonic feelings too often. i want to be in love again- even though i always lose myself when i do. no one will ever love the things i hate about myself. and, anyway, i don’t want anyone that will. i dont think its right for anyone to love me. i miss the things i had before i ruined them. the close friendships, i look back and i know i was helpless but to me it seems like i was in control. i feel out of control and im uncomfortable. i wish youd hold me so tight that i cant move and so i feel safe. i wish youd restrain me and i wish i could act like an idiot and youd put me in my place. why do i do this? can you put me in my place? romance books have ruined me. i see myself in the love interest too much and it sounds egotistical but i swear its not. im the out of control girl that the main character loves and shes just always out of reach. overly-romanticized. i am an idea to most people anyway, i have a hard time opening up despite the fact that i never shut up. i wish i could go out of control and youd just fucking hold my wrists and not let me hurt myself and just let me cry. i wish you'd tell me what to do and i could fight you on it and i wish you'd tell me to stop being so stupid whenever im acting irrational. i don't know why im so irrational. i hate it. i wish you'd call me *yours* and you'd be possessive. even though it physically hurts, i want to fight with you. im so tired. i love you. you could probably never be this person for me. why cant i just be normal. why am i so fucked up? why am i so toxic. im not good for anyone i know and im hurting in different ways all the time. why cant my head, for once, be normal? not fuzzy, or buzzy, just normal. not blank, not on fire. i could never keep anyone around