Unsent Messages

i've had some sort of connection with you since i met you 5 years ago. We both changed and grew up a lot and I never thought we could have a friendship after 2018 but we made it work for a bit. I think it's both of our faults the dysfunctions of our relationship were uncovered, but i wish so bad you were still the person i thought you were. I know you are still willing to live under that delusion. But I can't cope changing everything just to be convenient to you when you put in no effort for me. I care about you so much. You said you weren't like everyone else and you are - in fact, you always have been, and I always knew that deep down, but i thought leaving you would be more painful than staying. This is hurting me so bad, and I know its not hurting you because you never cared about me like that, which makes it worse. As much of a dickhead as you are, in the back of my head i still want us to end up together - knowing everything you have done. In reality the perception of you in my head is much warped from who you are now, and i need to accept that. I wish I didn't have to. But i do. i should have ages ago, but i just hoped you would get better. But you didn't. i believe that if people are meant to be in each others lives we will naturally come back to each other. We always came back to each other. But it never seems to work out. I just wish you felt of me how i felt for you. I thought the world of you, for no reason because you aren't who i thought you were. I know i am not perfect, but i have given you everything i can for 2 years. I wish you could just appreciate me and want me. The sad thing is i know if you did want me i would forget about this in a heartbeat and run to you - i really shouldn't, but i would. I don't know why it is you but it is. And i am scared it always will be, even though i am nothing to you.