From: ABC
To: John
Date: January 5, 2021, 2:43 am
i'm sorry we never clicked the way you wanted us to. i love you, but there is parts of you that i hate. i mostly reflect on you with embarrassment and disappointment, but i know you loved me and meant well for me. i think i cope by pretending i hate you and associating you with this evil image that doesn't exist. while i don't think we were meant to be, you did a lot for me. you really cared for me. you really hurt me, but i hurt you in the same ways. you just never found out about it like i did. i'm sorry for never telling you. for making you the scapegoat of our relationship problems. i don't miss you, but sometimes i miss who i was with you. i went through hardships with you and blamed them entirely on you and that was unfair. it wasn't your fault. i was mentally ill. i'm getting help for that now, by the way. realizing my black-out anger and depressive episodes weren't caused by my environment, but rather my brain. i constantly overreacted to your faults and i'm so sorry for that. i unintentionally gaslighted you constantly and made you out to be the bad guy when it was mostly the way my mind worked. the break up was too hard on you and too easy for me and i'm so sorry about that. i think my irrational anger and hatred for you manifests in the guilt i carry and within secrets i kept from you. i don't want to get back together ever again and risk hurting you once more. i regret our relationship because it hurt both of us for so long and was almost entirely my fault. you weren't the bad guy and i'm sorry for convincing you, my friends, and myself, that you were. and most of all i wish i could tell you all of this. i wish we could've had a normal, healthy break up and hashed it out. i shouldn't have just texted you and then ignored you while you were in need and hurting. i'm sorry for not being the first intimate love of yours that i should've been. i was ridden with insecurity, jealousy, and undiagnosed mental illness. you deserved better. you deserved her. and this time, i'm not just saying that to be petty or hurtful. i hope you guys end up together. she was beautiful and kind and everything you wanted. and i was sickly jealous because i knew she was a better match for you. i'm sorry for tearing you away from her and manipulating you into believing i was what you wanted. i hope you found her and won her back. you deserve it.