Unsent Messages

The texts i deleted:

so uh
im little again
and i guess that always ends up being me texting this chat
like youre the only one i ever wanna be little around cause no one ever gets it i guess
and i can't just be like oh im little cause then people are like thats gross and you shouldnt sexualize being a child and im over here like haha trauma
so yeah idk
i really miss you lmao
which also sucks
and im in quarantine now so i wont even be able to see you the next two weeks not like you pay any attention to me anyway but like
idk i hope youre feeling better
and that youre eating
idk i just
idk. i yearn i guess
i guess mom ordered pictures of us before you left and they just came in
and theres a few i hadnt seen before
and we real cute in them
and its not like oh i miss that anymore
i mean i do but when i look at them its just wow look at her shes so cute. i forgot that even was a thing
like wow i wish i took more photos of you then
this is all stupid
everything is stupid
i hate you
but i dont
and i want to talk to you
but i know we cant
and ive written so many songs and thought so many thoughts and sat through so many different scenarios
and i always have to tell myself that i cant think or say or do things like that with you anymore
and overall im just confused
confused of why you would date someone for 9 months if you didnt like them for half of it
why would you have sex with someone if you didnt like them
why would you have sex with someone so many times if you didnt like their body
why would you tell me you loved me if you didnt
why tell me you love me after you left me
why did you fuck around with me after you left
does she know the week before you got together you were texting me wanting to fuck
does she know anything that puts you in a darker light
its just me tho
i wish i could move on from this but theres so many questions
and they keep piling up
did you ever want to be friends
did you ever even want to be with me or was i just a placeholder for someone else
was i just your way of getting over HER
idk i really wish i knew maybe itd make things hurt more to where i could actually hate you
but you just have to be so goddamn loveable
you just have to be the type of person that i want to see make it out of this BS alive
i wish you cared about your grade
i wish you cared about your health
i wish she made you feel loved enough that you didnt think youd have to starve yourself
or maybe that not the right way to put it
i wish you respected yourself enough to realize you dont have to be strong
i wish youd realize people fall in love with you despite your weaknesses
if anything you should realize that youre wonderful
you got 4 people who are totally fucked up because they fell in love with you
and i know that hypocritical
because i should love myself becase so many people loved me
but you loved those people back
everyone loving me i have no energy to love back
but you seem to know exactly how to convince people- or maybe you actually do love them- that you love them
how you do it i dont know
maybe we all have savior complexes
or maybe you act better than all the other shithole guys
or gals weve been with
idk
i just know that i fell in love with you
and a part of me still falls in love with you
and a part of me falls out of love with you
and i guess i just have to figure out which one i want to define me
thats all i have i guess



signed
allie