Unsent Messages

I miss you every second of every day. I have not been on here since when i was manic. I am so sorry. I thought i could handle it all myself and i couldn’t. I never even told you everything that was going on because i was scared you would leave me. But because i acted the way i did you left. Do you remember smoking in my bathtub together? I can’t go in there without crying anymore. I can’t look at the empty spot next to my bed where your mattress goes. Or use the plug you used for your Xbox or listen to our songs. I had to get a new desk chair because the one i had was where you were sitting when you broke up with me. Dotty wears one of your old jackets that was too small so you gave it to me. I wish i had been wiser. I wish i had known how bad an episode could be, and acted in a completely different manner. I guess now i know. I have learned so much in these months. I have become a much better person. I cry every night. To this day. Nobody is even remotely attractive to me besides you. I wish i could have a way to contact you and tell you everything. If i could just hear your voice say my name one more time. Or see your smile for one instant more. I could die happy. I miss you so much. I wish i had taken the Polaroids of us. You probably threw them away. I was so fucked up when we were together. I’ve never been this stable in my life they finally found medicine that works. I wish you were here to see me doing well. So i could show you how you deserve to be treated. You deserve the whole world and more. I love you. Forever. I think that’s the last thing i said to you in person. I wish i had hugged you for one moment longer. Or looked in your eyes to memorize them just a little better. I miss the feel of your hands. And the sound of your voice. And your smile that lights up a room. Almost every day I’m hit with a different memory of us doing something stupid together. I miss your company. And your mind. I miss you, sweet boy. I’ll never stop loving you, and I’ll never try to forget you. Thank you for being the best boyfriend ever. I’m sorry it had to end but i understand why you left. Completely. I’ll see you in my dreams my love.