Unsent Messages

Hey, it's been a while. I mean since we talked like this, I just texted you last week about school stuff. I think we're okay now. God, there's just a million and one things I've always wanted to say, to tell you, I don't even know where to start. Maybe I should start off by saying I understand now. I understand why you pulled back your emotions. You went through something that was so emotionally draining, it scared you to ever open up again, to ever show your vulnerability... even if it meant pulling away from me. And I wasn't there like I said I would be. I'm sorry. You just needed to know someone was there and I told you I needed space. After everything, the fights, the bad nights, the sour relationship we created afterwards when we started craving each other again - after everything... I still think we met at the wrong time. It's how I cope, a tiny part of me still thinks you'll come back one day but I no longer hold on to the thought as hard. You remember the bridge I always told you about? The one I always envisioned that connected us, I'm back on my side. We're staring at each other from the long way across the bridge but we're in two seperate places now. And I no longer think that's a bad thing. A part of my heart will always be reserved for you. You were my first love. My first. I was so in love with you - every detail of you. The way your eyes light up when you talk about something you're passionate about. The way you try to hide the pain from me when you talk about something serious. The way you smile and your dimples show. The stupid faces you make when you tried to make me laugh. The way that you cared so much. My only regret that I'll never admit out loud is that I wish I enjoyed it more. I wish I wasn't so worried about the future that I could just enjoy the bliss of the moment I was in with you. It was fun while it lasted. I still wish I could have this deep conversation, real closure, put everything out, accept for what it is and move on with our lives. But I know that's not something you'd ever want to do. You can tell me a million escuses why but I know you well enough to know it's because you don't want to show me what's inside anymore, you're scared to get hurt again. I'm not angry about it anymore. I'm not hurt. I always wanted to feel that happiness again with you. But I finally found a happiness in myself. It took a little over a year but I'm here. I found happiness in myself, my friends, my family, my life. It's been so long since I've been happy and it's an overwhelming feeling but it's a good one. I wanted so much but I've learned to accept that just isn't how the universe works. I still wonder what you're thinking every now and then but I've accept that I'll never truly know, and that's okay. Thank you. For the good, bad and the ugly. Thank you for being such an important person in my life at one point. I will always wish you the best and I've always told you this but I know you're gonna do big things. I don't care so much what you do anymore, who you fall in love with next, I just wish the universe bless you with happiness. Real and true happiness. The young, dumb, and in love type of happiness but for you and yourself. I loved you Kavin. Thank you. This is me letting go. It took so long but I think I'm ready. Good bye bub, I wish you well.

With care and support from a distance,

Monkey.