Unsent Messages

You put a couple of photos of you wearing red lipstick on our writers group chat and I honestly thought I was going to pass out. I'd know, deep down, for a while, of course. But I remember thinking 'shit', and just knowing with so much certainty that that was it for me, something had changed and there was no pushing my feelings all the way down or going back into the closet after that. I still tried, obviously. Then that Christmas, I visited you in Manc for the first time - we went on the bus. I was so jittery the whole time that I stumbled when the bus stopped and you put your hand on my back and I just felt sparks, like an actual physical sensation I'd never had before. That was one of the best days of my life. I was anxious, sure, (when am I not) but I was just so sure of myself that day, so sure of my feelings. And you made me feel so safe. You've always made me feel so safe.

I told you the next month that I thought I might be bi. It was such a huge thing for me. I had spent my entire childhood, for as long as I could remember, repressing that side of myself. I didn't see an alternative. But you lived your life so confidently and unapologetically, and you made me feel like maybe there was a place for me to live out loud too. I told you, then, that I'd had a little crush on you. I also told you that I'd got over it. That was a lie. A big one. But I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, knowing that you almost definitely didn't feel the same way. The truth is, I never really got over it. For the longest time, I was totally, absolutely, embarrassingly smitten with you. It's been six years and you are still one of the most beautiful, intelligent, kind, funny, creative people I've ever met. And your eyeliner game is superior to all.

If anyone ever asks about you or our friendship/relationship, I always refer to it as a secret 'soft spot'. Even though I'm not as madly infatuated as maybe I once was and we don't talk as much these days, you'll always have such a special place in my heart, in my life and just generally in the person I've become today. However unlikely, I like to imagine that 'soft spot' for you leaves the door to anything more open just a crack and keeps my heart open to all possibilities.

Thank you for everything, gay spirit elder.