Unsent Messages

I loved you. You were what i Iooked forward to in the day and what comforted me at night. Those times, our times. It felt like something else. Your smile drove me mad and I was trapped in your gaze but the best part was the way you acted. You always caught me staring but you were always staring back. I always used to wonder what it was about you or even if you felt the same. Its not like you are gone. I see you every day and everytime for that split second I wonder what you think about when your eyes are in mine. It sounds cliche to a really crappy point and I never thought I could feel something like this but I do. I replay our conversations all the time and its like a fantasy, I was addicted to the way I felt about you and I dont regret it. You made me feel something indescribable. At first I thought okay let's see how stuff goes but as rumors passed and thing s became clearer I started to think. More and more. That's when it clicked. Oh shit. It honestly amazes me how fickle men can be. Or just the way their actions relate to their conscience. That one time when it was snowing and all I could think about was the warm feeling that you gave me in the coldest times or the way you teased me and held a longing stare. Then it was weird. I never saw your face or heard my name in your mouth for 8 months. I think I subconsciously waited while my body yearned to move on. Our little conversations meant so much to me. Friends dont look at the way we do to each other. Everything was weird and uncomfortable and different and just felt wrong. It all was jumbled up inside that small room and it was like we never met. For God sake you wouldn't even look or say hi. Now I'm thinking what the hell is going on. I knew for a fact that you liked me zach. I also knew for a fact that I loved you too. There were times I considered telling you. I planned it all out. I walked up to you said my piece and walked away. Reality hit and I could do it. I think my head has made it worse than it actually is. The pain, the joy the endless wonder and hope. And if it couldn't be any more confusing you started to be normal again. The jokes the stares. I mean that was a job I tried to give up but clearly the manager was being a stubborn prick. I didn't even understand what was going on in my own head.Every time I look at you everything rushed back and I do t think I can cope with that anymore. I am not going to let someone who doesn't have the ability to text me more than 4 words back or even for that matter contact me me to use me control me. I am my own person and that is that. I deserve so much more. I hate that I still hope and a part of me is still hoping. Its not like I can just kick you out of my classes or ignore you completely. It never began. But it felt so incredibly real and you said one thing but your eyes were telling a different story. Maybe you do wonder and think , damn I miss her. Every blue moon i hope and wish I could relive those days, even a moment. But now I'm tired of leaving unwanted and neglected. You could still be ICANT EVEN EXPLAIIN. even if you feel that way, good for you. I realised I started to turn myself off slowly, bit by bit. I listened to music louder and more often. I smiled less and talked more. I stopped looking at you and felt this power of understanding self worth and who I am and what I bloody deserve. Congrats! You have a superpower on me now. I didn't want to let go what made me sad because it makes me happy but I have too much to offer and the world is big enough for me to get over you. Maybe in a different lifetime love. In the end all I want is for someone to hold my hand like a movie and for us to have the nights of our lives and for him to make me feel like I cant even stand or just-. I want to drown in my own love and happiness, ravishing comfort every night. I believe in love because you made me feel it. But I want chaos and a mess and all of that sappy stuff because that's who I am. I don't let people see it and I am super glad I never let you. I am not going to let someone make me feel so useless and unwanted and confused and wronged and dumb and hopeful and mad. I am working on myself by myself. My heavy soul can't comprehend the happy personality and this is one of cases where it just gets weird. I dont regret you or how it ended zach. I remember how happy it made me. I also remember the understanding you brought to my naive mind. I won't ever regret you because it was like dipping my toes in the love I longed for. It was pure and honset and one of its kind. You are my favorite and most painful story to tell. So as I sit here, I thank you for all you've done but also change my views and opinions of you. I dont hate you. I never will. I just realised that what I need and my goals just dont fit with yours. And thats okay. I can get through this. I will the time to become even better than i am now. The next time I see you you are nothing more than a peer. It is going to be tough but I need to and want to. You are a lesson and a moral. Thank you.