Unsent Messages

How can i say what i've never said. I love you james I love you so much it makes me hurt. Do you remember how you used to call me nicknames? When did I stop being lils to you. When did i stop being the person you called when your sister was being crazy or you were drunk or bored or confused in math or up at 2. When did i stop being your person because you never stopped being mine. I'm trying so hard to get used to sharing you with her, it literally stabs me in the gut. i am so selfish but you are happy and thats how i know i love you. because if youre happy im happy too. I just i was the one who made you happy, i wish i could make you laugh like i could before. i know youre trying to keep in touch, i wish you didnt make me crazy. you were the first boy that hugged me and i felt safe, i let you touch me and i didnt shake. I wanted to be closer and closer to you, hugging wasnt enough i wanted to crawl inside you and hold your heart i want you to tell me every thought you think. I have loved you since we were 13. You are the only thing i have stayed with for 4 years. And here I am i wish i could tell you everything but that would change everybody and i love you so much that even getting to hug you as a friend is worth the pain. But if we're just friends why did you cry when i kissed another guy? Why did you drunk text me on my bday two days before you had sex with her? Why do our eyes always catch eachothers? Do you love her James? You remember that night when we got really really high and went skinny dipping at the beach then took a bubble bath on your bday while drinking malibu and listening to Kanye. When we had a water balloon fight in your backyard and you held my freezing body to protect me. That was the best day of my life. You make me want to be a terrible friend. You make me a bad person, you make me sick and irrational you make me cry so hard i throw up and feel so deep it aches. I hate how youve changed everything about me. i pray to god about you and i dont even believe in god. you make me fucking pathetic but it feels beautiful. you saved my life. if i were to write a memoir youd get a chapter i cant write my life without you. Without you i am nothing with you im at least something. When i fight with you i hate myself even when i am right. I guess this is why they write poems and songs about love bc it will make you sick. I love you i love you i love you. everything reminds me of you i will always look for your name in the keychain isle in the airports.