Unsent Messages

If you think I’m actually selfish than that is the problem. I was protecting myself from this exact situation. I could honestly never look at you the same again. Do you know how many times you took back or revised what you said. Do you know how many times you changed the story and the reasons why we couldn’t be together. First it was bc u didn’t want to ruin our friendship then it was because u liked someone else and that everything you said was wrong and the other bullshit excuses. You should have told me the truth THAT u didn’t like me because that wasn’t going to break me. Of course I would be sad but not nearly as sad as I am right now thinking about u. If u want to call me selfish fine, just know that you meant more to me than anyone else in my entire life. I don’t lie, I hide things but those things are for ME to know and I think that’s fair to say. So if u want to forget me or pretend it never happened thats fine, I’m okay with that. But I’ll never forget any of it or pretend it never happened. I did love you and I still do which is the shitty part because I don’t think I ever got to really know you. I fell for the way u made me feel and it wasn’t all good. Sometimes u made me feel like such a bitch and other times you made me feel like I could say anything to you and not be judged or made fun of. I trusted you too, which is something I never do. If I had the guts to text you right now I would. But I wouldn’t explain anything to you because you don’t deserve it. I would just want to listen to you because everything you ever said made me feel like you could actually like me too. I was wrong about everything and you hurt me Logan. You told people things that I told you and I really believed I could trust u. I don’t want you to wish that none of this ever happened, infact I want you to text me and tell me you remember it all. but you’ll never do that because you aren’t that kind of person. You act tough but I do know you have a big heart, you don’t physically show it. And I think that’s where the mix signals were coming from. Because I was hearing everything over text but never anything to my face. I miss you constantly and it’s the kind of missing that I’ll play a sad song to and just cry thinking about your lame jokes and your smile. I never want to embarrass you or make you feel obligated to say something you never meant. I just wanted the truth and I never got that and I probably never will. I’m learning to accept that but it doesn’t make anything about you easy to understand. You do have a place in my heart but I wish you we could be close again and I could give u updates on how I’m doing and I want to hear everything about you that I’ve missed. I can’t really come to terms with never actually getting to talk to you again and it makes me sad. I know your mind isn’t always in a good place but I felt like when we talked our minds were ok. I do want the best for u, I always have since the moment we started talking. I don’t wish anything could go back to the way it was because I don’t think I would have realized the kind of person you are. But I do wish, I could hear your voice and see your face and just listen to you again.