Unsent Messages

I hate you. I hate how both our names start with H. I hate how your shadow still haunts me. I hate how I can't believe in love anymore. I hate how my first love will now never be special. I hate how I can't be innocent again. I hate how I have to lie about you. I hate how young we was. I hate and I don't want to. But, thank you, without this whole ordeal, I wouldn't have become the person I am today. This colour is NOT how I see love, but what i see what I had for you now. Despite everything, I can't somehow move on. Not with how you deal with this whole situation at this day and age. How you make me seem as some type of slut. The sending out a girls vagina and saying it's mine to the groupchats and to back then. I talked about you the other day. I said i don't remember that year. I don't remember what you looked like. What happened. I lied. But the thing is, nothing bad happened. But everything that did has traumatised. I act like you did something bad to me. It was my fault too. It's how this whole thing has affected me. I said it before. I want to be innocent. If I ever can love, I want to have a love like Aphmau and Aaron from Mystreet, Eiji and Ash from Banana Fish, Shouya and Shoko from A Silent Voice, and so many more. Of course, other people want a love like that too, but for me it hurts in a way that I have never felt before. Love is a big thing for me, but I have completely given up on it, I will never find what I want. It isn't about the ideal man or women, the ideal relationship or ideal love, but I'll never get to experience the love I have yearned for because of you. Because of those who were around us, because of so many other factors. But remember, you are a factor too. You took a part from me that meant so much to me. This will be unfinished, I don't know how to finish it, if anyone ever reads this, I can't finish it, despite hoe much I have forgiven, accepted into my life. It is a battle I must face on my own, the way I write is full of anger, we was extremely young, I still am, it was none of our faults apart from me should have knowing better I guess, but my feelings are still valid, I guess.