Unsent Messages

i feel like everything i do is just for show to cover up the fact that in the dumbest bitch ever who crumbles everyday under pressure and starves herself bc part of her identity has always come from people calling her skinny as a child and as her body changed she noticed the changes and because afraid and then her mother pushed onto her exercise and healthy eating which slowly became obsessive for her. idk who i am anymore. i feel like all my worth comes from my physical appearance. like all in rlly worth is what i think of my body at this point. like nothing matters to me other than my physical appearance. any slight change in it actually causes me to panic. and it’s competitive. i can’t stand the idea that someone might eat less than me. someone might loose weight easier than me. ew gross. i want help but all the help i get i push away. i also hate pity. i pity myself. and it would literally be the end of the world for me if people putties me like i pity myself. it would be the end if people saw me the way i saw myself.