Unsent Messages

I just talked to you five minutes ago. At the same time, I didn't. Every time we talk I expect to greet the caring, teasing, and sarcastic boy who stole my heart. The person who still has a piece of me. instead, i always meet someone new; someone who doesn't give a single shit about me, someone who forgot all of our inside jokes, someone who doesn't let me wear his shirt anymore, someone who isn't there for me when my family is falling apart. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's my fault that we never worked out and I'm so sorry for how I treated you. You make me act crazy and nervous and irrational. How can I apologize to a brick wall that I constructed myself? A new brick with every missed text, a scoop of grout with every date I dodged. I miss you. Every time I hear one of the hundreds of songs you've sent me, my heart cartwheels and I think of watching the sunset with you, of sitting on the train, of staying up all night talking, of a warm comforting glow in my chest knowing that you exist. The real you is fading, wispy, translucent, a ghost that resides only within the hard walls of my mind. But I guess that isn't you, just who you were, who I wanted you to be.. it doesn't matter. Just that You don't exist to me anymore. And it hurts with every single small, meaningless, empty pleasantry we exchange.