Unsent Messages

If you ever read this, I know you’ll know it’s me. It’s always me, right? I’m always the one crawling for your attention. I am Melissa and I will always be Melissa. I don’t think you were my first love, I’ve liked other guys before, but I think you are my first true love. I will never be able to text you this or even tell you in a call, but what can I say? It maybe is your fault for making me this much of insecure. However, I don’t blame you. I could cry everyday for you and I don’t care anymore. Dad says love makes you cry and hurt as if the world was beating you ‘til death. I love you with everything that makes who you are, even if there are countless of broken parts. I wish I was the one to heal them, but it have been months that I gave up on still trying to make you love me like the way I do. I am so embarrassed to say that I am jealous of everyone that surrounds you, even if I said I am not a jealous person when you were joking about it. I am. But, what can I do? For that reason and other things, I feel really happy when you accept me a video call, because I feel that someone like you is giving attention to someone as miserable as me. I still dream of the day that you would write something about me, it doesn’t matter if you will never do it. Maybe you are the only reason why I haven’t left this world, but I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think I can hold any longer with making myself believe that you would care. You wouldn’t. You probably. wouldn’t even notice. Pero, hasta el momento, sólo quisiera poder hacerte aunque sea un poco feliz antes de irme. Porque, después de todo, mejoraste mucho mi vida. Sólo es que yo no soy tan fuerte. Andrés y los demás podrán decir que has sido lo peor que me ha pasado en la vida. Pero la verdad es que lo poco que he podido crecer ha sido gracias a ti. Por sobre todas las cosas, siempre me has hecho feliz. Desde el primer momento, lo que escribiste en “Lo que nunca sabrás” me hizo sentir que alguien increíble estaba detrás de esas letras, y que era alguien que siempre me iba a entender. Soy la persona más tóxica, lo sé. Quería hacer esta carta más romántica, pero sólo sé llorar sobre mis más grandes desilusiones. Sin embargo, espero algún día me permitas escribirte todos las veces y todos los motivos que me traen felicidad a causa de ti. Porque hay demasiados. Te he amado desde 2018, M.