Unsent Messages

Hey. I miss you a lot. It’s weird to say that, especially when for someone I claim to miss, I still see an awful lot of. But I miss the you that I knew, the way you used to treat me. You made me feel lovable, something I never thought I could be for anyone. You made me feel like I was different than everyone else in your life. Maybe I really was. But then again, maybe that’s just my mind letting itself get my hopes up again. It makes me angry that you never just told me straight what you were feeling. Not even angry with you, I don’t think I could ever feel that towards you. But just angry. Maybe I was partly to blame. I still am. I still like you so much, and yet instead of trying to make something of that, I’m sitting here, typing this, wondering why you haven’t texted me. Why haven’t you texted me? Did you get bored of me? Or did you just think that I wasn’t interested? Because if it’s the last one, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for letting you think that I can bare a life that doesn’t have you in it. (Spoiler alert, I can’t.) All I ever do is replay our interactions in my head. Our “best moments”. I still remember so vividly the night you said that the dumb stuff I was ranting about didn’t matter, because I had you. I probably made a much bigger deal of that than what it was, but it still is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. No one has ever told me that before, actually. I’d like to think you still stand by that, even if we don’t talk everyday like you used to. I wish we did, though. More than anything. I wish I could bring myself to just text you. What have I got to lose? It’s not like it was ever a secret that I liked you. That’s even before that day they said it to you in class while we were talking. At the time, you just brushed it off and continued talking to me. And at the time, that made me so happy, that you didn’t immediately hate me. But now looking back I wonder if that was just your way of letting me down gently. “If I don’t acknowledge it, maybe she’ll get the hint.” It would’ve been so easy for you to just stop talking to me after that, though. And a little part of me still believes maybe the reason you didn’t is because, even if it was only for a short amount of time, you felt the same too. Anyways, this is getting a little lengthy. I could write pages and pages about everything I want to say to you. But saying it is a whole other story. So on the very unlikely chance that you see this, and probably even less likely chance you know it’s about you, text me. If you want. As long as we’re in eachother’s lives, as long as we see eachother in the halls and make that weird, two seconds of eye contact, I’ll wait for you. I’ll still hold on to that little bit of hope. I guess you could see that in two ways - pathetic or admirable. Probably a little bit of both.