Unsent Messages

i want to tell u how much u hurt me, how i sat and broke my heart to my mum. but you'll never know the pain you caused. you'll never know thr countless hours i spent thinking and crying.how even though i had my final exams i stayed up till 4am just to talk to you. how i pushed away my dad, my friends even my best friend to spend time with you. how i spent every waking minute thinking about how much i loved you. how even though you shattered my confidence and told me i wasnt good enough i took you back. it broke my heart. i couldnt imagine a life without you. so id rather be broken but with you because nothing else mattered. you were my everything. i loved you wholeheartedly. but you see the thing is although there is so much you didn't know. there was so much you did know. you knew me. you knew me inside and out. every crevice, every insecurity i let you see. you came into my life at such a fragile time. you knew this, you knew how vulnerable i was how i gave you my heart and soul but it still wasn't good enough. why wasnt it good enough. i want to know why you fucking did me like that what did i ever do to you. i look back now and don't see myself. i look back and see a teenage girl who barley knew herself be ur emotional punching bag. make u feel good when u needed. answered the phone at 3am when u were bored. let you blow me off, ignore me. never got upset over the things you used to scream at me for. i let you use me i let you leave me broken on the ground. but my heart. me. i was never going to be good enough.
so even though a year on i wonder why you did what you did. i dont care about you. i dont care if you got promoted. i dont care if you passed your course. i dont care who you are. you're nothing. you're nobody anymore. so you know what although you broke me, left me vulnerable it made me stronger. because now you don't get to know me. you dont get to see me vulnerable. you dont have me anymore. you've caused me so much pain so much hatred but i dont hate you. i thank you. you made me learn to love myself. i don't need that 3am 'love u' text to know i am loved. i don't need you now. i needed you to break me so i could fix me. and thats both the best gift and the worst thing you ever did to me. you let me learn what love really is. not what we had. you had control and dominance, i had nothing. but now, i have the knowledge. because i will never ever let any man make me feel anything less than the woman i am. i will never let them make my insecurities their manipulation. i know who i am. i am strong. i am fucking beautiful. i am so intelligent. and i am loved by so many people but i dont care if im loved by you. PS ur girlfriend is a BTEC version of me everyone can see that.