Unsent Messages

Do you remember the night after we admitted we loved each other? After spending 2 weeks apart from Christmas, do you remember the first night we spent back together? Do you know how long it took for me to finally admit how i felt, to myself, not even just to you. i dont know why i keep getting sad, idk if i feel like im worthy of someone like you loving me, i never knew what it was like to feel unquestionably loved until i met you. maybe its because i've never experienced that, i dont know. something still makes me sad, and now i think ive grown up as a rose with continuous thorns in my back, i had too much rain that drowned me instead of sunshine to make me grow and now love has become such a cursed thing for me, i always truly believe it'll go wrong to the point where i think now i'm intentionally trying to make it go wrong as a self sabotage just to protect myself, but i'm hurting others along the way. when i'm with you, i feel the rawest emotions, i've never ever felt something so intense in my life. please never ever doubt that i love you, i love you with every fucking bone and muscle in my body, but my heart is just working quicker than my brain and i cannot grasp the concept that this is healthy and that i deserve this. Part of this makes me want to push you away, but because i dont want to hurt you, and that's why i've always avoided people just because i dont think i will ever get better, i dont think my perception on love will ever changed. i think i'm genuinely so unwell mentally, and i dont think my mind works normally at all. I feel every emotion 10x deeper than the usual person and i dont know why. i want you to shout at me, scream that you love me but tell me to fuck off, i want to hurt so badly, and then feel you push me against a wall and kiss me. It's not healthy i know, and i don't even know how to escape that and i really, truly don't know if that mindset of mine will ever change. Happiness makes me feel sad, and i dont think my thoughts are normal as i've only ever met one person that feels someone similar. i want to bleed, bleed, bleed and bleed. I just want this emotion to pour out of my body until i physically can't get anything else out. You've done everything for me, and i don't know what i did in a past lifetime to ever deserve you, you've done my psoriasis treatments for me, cuddled me whilst i've cried and cried for hours. you've seen my bipolar episodes and not even battered an eyelid, you really really love me, don't you?
I love you too. Always.