Unsent Messages

Never before have I felt the love I do for you. The type of love that can't be destroyed. The type of love that's always there no matter how badly I want it to go away. You treated me good...you were there when I was going through so much, when I was at my lowest, when I pushed you away. You stayed there even when my communication skills were shit. I didn't know love before you. It consumed me, no matter all that crap that happened in my life I had you. But that's the funny thing about love...it makes you dumb. It makes you blind to reality, and to a person's true intentions. I feel so stupid, so ashamed in myself. Because I learned from a young age that people use you, that even the people you love the most can do you so dirty. But YOU, you made me believe that it could last. That I could be happy and feel safe and comfortable in someone's arms. I'm so furious with myself, letting my guard down. Allowing you to put me through that pain in the end. Where you just could easily leave and come back multiple times. Where you fucked some girl and got back with your ex. I.. it makes me so mad because I actually believed... when ever I prayed. I prayed for you. I prayed for your safety. Your health. For you family and friends. I prayed that he would help keep us strong, I prayed for him to keep you in my life. That God would be there for you when I couldn't. And I still do after every thing that happened. Even though it's been months. And while I pray for you now I still pray for all those things that I did before. But it feels like a car is ontop of my chest when I pray to God that he makes sure that you're happy, that he's there for you when you're going through something, that you don't get hurt, that you complete and fulfill everything you told me that you wanted.. it hurts. A lot. It's not like I haven't dealt with pain before though, I've been through a lot and it's fine..that's life. God puts you through things because he knows you're strong enough.. but damn if you could see how bad you hurt me..what I went through after. What I've done to deal with the pain. I'm better now I've stopped crying every day, I actually get some sleep in, actually started communicating more with people, and I've come to the realization that you never did truly love me.. you might of cared. I will never be able to thank you for being there for me and helping me like you did. But fuck..you actually used me until you figured out your own feelings. You fucking used me, lied to me, destroyed my visualization on love and believing it when someone says they'll love me and stay no matter what. Like damn:) you did it so easily, I just never truly understood...was it planned? Did you know you could never fully love me like you did her? Why get into something with someone else when you're still in love with someone, who did YOU wrong. You literally did the exact same thing she did to you..to me. You left me with all these internal scars, with all this pain that never truly went away, with all this disbelief that you could do that. It's fine though. That's fucking life. People hurt, disappoint, and completely change the way you look at certain things. And it makes it so much worse that I still love you, like fuck. Still..because no matter how many times I repeated to my self that I should hate you that you used me, and that you didn't care. I couldn't hate you, I couldn't talk badly about you, I couldn't wish anything bad happened to you...it all meant nothing I guess... it was all pointless.. every single little thing..every fucking little moment. But thank you, because damn did you made me so much stronger. I know I was not at all perfect, I was horrible at times. You just really decided that whole time you didn't love me..that you were going to startle me along till she came fucking around again huh? Till YOU fucking figured out your shit. And after what I started messing around with some guy who was 10× worse than you. But at least I knew! At least I knew. I have no doubt in my mind that I still love you, I'm always going to pray for you and you family and so much more. I'm probably always going to feel this pain, but thank you for what you did. I know now got brought you in my life and took you out to teach me things about myself. So I can better myself. I could go on and on with writing this about how I still love you and how much pain you inflicted on me. And you know how much I love writing about that shit. But in reality you don't care, you couldn't care less:) I wish I didn't have to see you ever again, or I didn't have to look at other people who are close to you because it's just a reminder. I know I'll probably see you again on multiple occasions. And I know my heart will sink every time but that's fine. I guess I'll just finish this with I love you good bye