Unsent Messages

You have to understand when I love which is often, I am serious and dedicated to the relationship. This may be selfish to say but I long for someone who has patience and for someone who makes me feel worth it, or special because I lack that kind of confidence in myself, even though I may not show it. Logan, I know we did not embrace each other publicly because even though I love, I just have a difficult time showing it but I hope you know how much you made me feel. I hope the conversations we often shared in private weren't bullshit. I think we could have been perfect and as I mentioned in the beginning, I didn't see the conflict like you did which is why I liked you because you were practical. I have realized that I bore very easily but with you I really didn't know what to expect. I know, I can get annoyed very easily, become overly sensitive, and I make irrational mean dumb decisions, but it’s because of all the things I tend to be insecure about. Honestly, I didn't want to talk in person because I knew exactly how I felt, I was scared to hear everything you had to say because it probably wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time. I really wanted to take things page by page with you. I feel like on my part, even though I did not tell you what I felt first, I was pretty open about how I felt, I just wasn't receiving anything back. I always become distant when I tell someone something personal such as my feelings and I guess that's because most of the time, I fear rejection which is why I look for acceptance in almost anything. Even when I became distant with you, you seemed to notice minute details about me and you really tried to understand me more than most people. I admired that you “cared” so much but I do not like when people try to understand me and that is mainly because I don’t understand myself and therefore, I have a terrible way with words. One thing I did realize that we had in common was that we can be honest, and although we shared parts of our lives with one another, we tend to keep “secrets” or just things to ourselves in order to not “upset” or “hurt” that person. I also felt like everything was just too easy with you, especially talking to you and to me being too perfect is not good which is how I was seeing you. So I found faults for no good reason and I will agree that I started the conflict and the confusion. I can for sure tell that we have emotional issues, but not the same kind which is why I think we tried to understand each other. I still cry and I do not like hearing your name because I think about the moments and the conversations that I took for granted with you. At this point, I accepted how everything ended but that is because I feel like if it was supposed to be different, it would be right? I guess life does go on and so we have but I will never forget you dude.