From: ABC
To: Kian
Date: November 4, 2020, 3:48 pm
It's 7:42:55 am
I miss you, you’re the only thing I dream about at night, pictured out motions of you flash by me wherever I go, repeating things you’d said out loud before gets frustrating to read. It’s tiring to act a certain way around people when none of them are you, eating has been getting difficult, and I don’t know what to do with what I have in the place of my hands anymore, I’m exactly where I need to be, but I don’t know how to start, I would have never known our routes would leave us here, I'm waiting for your message or a dial.
Nothing pops up, I guess we’re both scared to come forward, or at least I am, maybe I'm being too hard to read now, and everything around me is indeed falling apart, I'm 15 and I'm living in crisis, so are many people but I never found myself struggling to understand as something so complex yet simple. My mind wonders into many places, many to even speak upon on. I slowly watch myself from my mirror and see how much I've changed, I was naive, ignorant, and just plain out serious about certain things, I was more dependent and harder on myself so I could rather improve others, I hate myself for leaving, a sudden grip of guilt in the back of my head. Writing to you is hard to do, laying my head on the lap of my friend while I see her caress me is the one thing I need. I hate this, I hate the distance that shields all around, the tightness of my chest cradles me so gently but holds its dense. I speak for myself when I say I love you, I feel you in the slightest things I'd do, people walking by and I see you in them, I turn my head back to wonder if it is you, but a leave with the water in my hands slipping, hopeless. I wonder if I did things right you’d let me stay, I wonder if you want me the way I still do, I still love you, I still feel everything. It takes me back to when we had met, I felt intimidating, welcomed, afraid in a way. I love you. I love you whenever, wherever. I miss your gentle spoken words, I miss laughing with you, I miss us.
I will forever and always love you Kian, I hope you know that.
Yours truly Joanna Marie