The thing is, I've always known. I knew it was you from the second I stared into your eyes and saw you. I knew from the hours we spent listening to music and in just the seconds we spent succumbing to our feelings. I never imagined myself falling for a guy like you. I never had that in my life. I’ve run away from every single person who has tried to love me and the only love I can feel now is fake love and I don’t know how it feels like how it was real with you again. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about you and the only thing stopping me from unlocking you right this moment is how better off I know you are without me. I wish that I was good enough and everything that you deserve. But you deserve so much better than the pain and tears that I bring you.

I can’t stop listening to the songs we played over and over again when we hoped we were each other’s but I can’t stop breaking my heart over and over again cursing myself for letting you go. I chose him over you and yet I never cried this much over anyone else. I feel myself lashing out at my family, at the people who love me, because I can’t bear to be loved when the only person I have loved with all my heart is gone. But the saddest thing is that I can’t even admit to myself that I love you because I have convinced myself so well that I don’t even deserve to be able to love you. You gave me everything you had and so did he. But I have only ever recognized it coming from him. And it’s my fault because I’m the one who chose, and if you ever read this you will know just how selfish I am. I only see what you mean to me when you’re gone, and telling you now will only take you away from the girl who really loves you.

My story is pain and misery and heartbreak and a series of decisions that have done nothing but push me away from the only people in the world who mean anything to me. And I don’t know what to blame it on, the family I grew up watching break. The memories I don’t remember and the fights I can’t forget. I wish there was a world where I wasn’t so broken but that’s all I am. And I told you not to cry and that it didn’t make you a man because I was so ashamed that I shed tears myself. When all I did was tear you down, piece by piece, every part of you, you only built me up. You took me and you loved me and you healed me and you stayed with me. But now you’re gone too and I keep saying that I still have him but the thing is that I need you. I need you. And I can’t bear to admit to myself that I feel for you not I did and I fell too hard. I can’t write this while I cry and hope that one day it will be okay.

The only difference between you and him is that he fought for me. He fought for me after he tore me down and you built me up only to let me go. And I don’t know what’s better. I don’t. I just hope, one day, some day, I’ll be a girl who deserves you. For now she’s there. With her bright smile and beautiful eyes and heart full of gold. She waited like you waited for me. She loved you more than you loved me. She’ll be there for you until the ends of the earth. But I can’t help but feel jealous and heartbroken that when I finally felt like I mattered, you let me go just like that. My mind is so blurry and my heart is so broken but one day, maybe you’ll come and take it all away.