I was very hesitant to write this here only because I'm worried one day you'll check, and you'll confront me about it. I've always kept my feelings quiet when it comes to you. I know I have friends that I could talk to, but I feel so alone. This is a safe place for me although I know there's a possibility of you seeing this. Anyways, I don't know where to start. Uelese, I met you when I was in elementary school. I used to have the FATTEST crush on you. Then you dated an old pal of mine. It tore me apart, and my best friend would tell me how upset it would make her feel too. I feel like I definitely projected my sadness to everybody that was around me. You two later broke up, and I remember how you blamed me for it. I've never felt so upset :( She came to me. SHE told me how she didn't want to be with you. I later found out she was unfaithful towards you as well. Yet, you still blamed me? She came to me to vent before breaking up with you. Regardless of me there or not, she would have still done it. That sounds so bitchy to say, but I know it's the truth. It made me so angry to know that she had the chance to be with you, and she still decided to cheat on you! Not just once either. I know you're aware of it now. I wish I could have stopped her from causing you all that pain. I know how much it still hurts you. I know it makes you feel very insecure. I don't blame you. Fast forward, we were hanging out so frequently. I tried to not let my emotions get the best of me, but it was like I was falling in love with you over and over again. I feel so obsessive now, and I don't know if I truly just made this all up in my head. We laid down next to each other on my bed once. You had your arm around me, and it was dark in my room and there was music playing. We laid in silence and listened to the music. In that moment I felt safe in your arms. I felt all the reassurance I've ever needed. We kept hanging out, but it all eventually came to an end. The last time of us hanging out super frequently was the day you asked me about this girl, and I said she was sweet and super gorgeous. I asked why, and you said just because you were curious. Weeks later, I find out you're with her. No wonder we had stopped hanging out lmao. Anyways, it's been like 2 or more years. We are in high school. I think you and her broke up, but I don't see that lasting. I know you guys are on and off, and I'm sure you two will be back together soon. We have streaks, and the other day you asked to hangout. I took a shower very quickly, and got ready. As I was walking out the door, you told me you weren't coming anymore. I hung out with my best friend instead, and I tried so hard to be okay. The moment I got inside (hours later) I listened to music, and I just let it all out. We have streaks, so I see when you open mine and ugh there's times when I want to block you so I can stop checking but I could never do that. I'm sure you don't even worry about half the things I just wrote about, but I wish you did. Two days ago I went to the mall with my friends, and I walk out of Hollister and I see you with another girl. It didn't look like your ex or I was thinking maybe your sister but I don't think so. The feeling of anxiety rushed through me, and I immediately turned to go to Fuego. One of my friends came up to me and was like, "K.... that was so obvious, you guys made eye contact
" and I was like "I didn't make eye contact, but I did see him." Then she said, " Well he looked at you and saw you." When you send streaks now it's not even with the words, and it's just a picture. I analyze and overthink everything. I hate it. Anyways, you know that feeling in your stomach when you feel so overwhelmed with emptiness? That was what I felt for the rest of the day, and when I think about it I begin to get nauseous. I have a gut feeling you were out with another girl which I know will hurt me all over again, but it's okay. I'm learning to heal. I need to someday. I remember once you came to me crying. We talked it out because you needed someone to just be there for you. I was the shoulder you could cry on. It breaks me more than anything to know that you don't feel the same way. I know at some point you knew about me liking you. I've never really talked about it to you especially now. I am so afraid of how you would react. I could imagine you saying sorry for not feeling the same way or getting uncomfortable from me telling you. The last two of your exes were my best friends before. So I had to sit there and witness you date them. I would be there for you and them. I always feel like a bitch for liking you because you dated two of my old best friends, but I know I liked you before they even knew who you were. I don't call dibs on you, but it just hurts? You were the only boy I feel like I could be myself around. I don't have many guy friends because I'm so awkward. I miss you a lot. I know you live like two minutes away from me, but we aren't the same anymore. I know you've grown up a lot, and so have I. I never got that good, fun, loving relationship that I wanted with you. I know everything happens for a reason though. Maybe at some point you felt the same, but for now I need to believe you didn't so I can finally let you go. It'll take time for sure, but I'll get there! Fuck :/ there's so much I can say, but there's just so many emotions running through my head right now. Maybe in the future God will have a plan for us together, but if not I will learn to be okay with that. Uelese, you are one of a kind. I already know if I was telling you this you would not be able to be serious lmao. Anyways, I am so sorry for all the shit you have had to put up with. I know you have family issues, trust issues, etc. You are one of the strongest people out there. You never show your weakness, but I know at night in your room you think about everything too. I want you to know how much of an amazing person you are. I don't think you realize the amount of joy you can bring into someones life. Your presence makes the room light up. Although I will never know how you felt about me, and maybe that's a good thing. You made me the happiest girl. You made me feel cared for in this empty world we live in. I wish you nothing but the best in life. You deserve only happiness. You hurt me, and I know I hurt you before but I will always love you. I hope whoever is lucky enough to be with you, treats you like a KING. I want you to be happy even if it's not with me.Thank you for everything. This is my goodbye, I love you.