it's almost been a year in a few days. and i'm still hurt... i know i hurt you too during our relationship and it grew toxic. with this i want you to know i'm sorry. even though you got with someone new a month later, after you claimed she was just your friend, it killed me. killed me in ways i can't even explain. i kept calling out to you, even though you left me. wanted to show you how hurt i was, and how hard i tried getting you back. i know i wasn't perfect, and i know you saying you couldn't be in a relationship was a lie (u just couldn't be in one with me). i see that now. but sometimes i wish i could show you how much i've grown, and hoped you've grown as well so that maybe, one day, we could reconnect as friends.
i lost what would've been our baby- but i didn't want to tell you that cause i knew you wouldn't have cared.. and my friends told me there was no point. i didn't want to make it look like i was "just saying that" to "get you back", cause it wasn't like that at all. so i kept it to myself, cried alone, and never told anyone until 4 months later. and you still probably don't know. i wanted to die, and i tried to. sometimes i still do because the pain i have in my heart is still so strong. i wake up crying from it, the nightmares, the flashbacks of everything i did wrong, and the hurt you did to me. i know i wasn't perfect. but i'm different now. you were my first love, and i'm with someone new now. and i love him so much. he understands me and shows me everything i could've asked for and more. he knows that i still cry about the hurt, but he doesn't get upset about it because he saw it all from a distance. but some nights, i wish i could call you and say i'm sorry. when i shouldn't be the one to say it.
i hope she treats you right, but i also wished i was different before.
i wish we could've communicated better, i wish i didn't push you away or show you i was depressed inside. i wish i never got high. and i wish i could take it all back. i wish you would reach out. but i feel wrong for saying that cause i'm with someone new. but i'm being completely honest, cause i'm still hurt.
with you- i would constantly want to call and text. but i feel like you conditioned me that way, cause i was never like that before. i thought it was weird and unnecessary. but when i got used to it, and you stopped wanting to do it- i freaked out.
but now, i'm back to how i was. i don't need that constant reassurance, i've grown into being me. i just wished i knew who i was entirely before getting with you so young. i was naive. i'm still broken. and i'm still sorry.