Unsent messages to POOPER

i am so proud of you for graduating. you moved to Cali! many exciting things are in your future. I hope you have fun there and are able to heal. I'm sad I wasn't able to see you graduate. I am missing out on special moments that I thought i would be there for but I always knew you would do great things and i am proud of the person you are.
It has been difficult without you. I changed in a lot of ways, thanks to you.
Yet I am still right where you left me. I am waiting. For you to come back. Even though I know you won't.
I don't blame you one bit.
I've changed, but you are not here to see who i have become. The same goes for you. I think that is really tragic.
I wanted to grow old with you and live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere like we talked about.
I wonder who comforts you when you see the static? When you twitch at night?
I was supposed to care for you and i was the one to betray you.
You were my first serious boyfriend and sometimes i wish you weren't. Maybe then i could have done it correctly. I wish i was older, wiser, and more healed from my past. I let it carry into our relationship and impact us. I didn't change, even when you gave me another chance. I have no excuses for my actions, words, or behavior. That's what makes it worse. I messed it all up. Ruined things with the love of my life and the man i wanted to father my children. For no reason whatsoever. You tried to save me from myself.
I carry the regret with me everyday and i am beginning to think it won't ever fade. Nor will my feelings for you. I think we had something really special before i messed it all up. I wish we could just talk Cooper.
You haven't reached out and you seem to resent me. I don't know if i ever cross your mind (unless if it is filled with thoughts of rage) or if you are just hurt and blocking me out.
Regardless, i still love you and i think i always will. It's been 2 years but i still think of you all too often. Post to the unsent project. Seems better than calling you, I know you don't want to hear from me. I am still back at the old house mentally. I'll be there if you ever need me.
I miss you Cooper. I really do wish you all the best. Even if you don't believe that.
I really did care for you throughout our relationship and I still do.
I am genuinely sorry and i always will be. Words can't express it enough.