it was a love that i accepted on the fly, after putting it away for so long. confusing peoples projections for my own, i lied to myself, and i lied to you.

it was a love bitter and painful for me, like a blade to flesh, as the honeymoon phase bled away like watercolor.

i still don't understand love. was i supposed to be the stronger between the two, conform to the persona you came to believe that was me, and piece you back together every time you fell?

once these thoughts bled into my mind, the rose tinted glasses shattered. the love i felt for you now bled black, as i hated you. why? why was i supposed to be strong, mentally stable and everything good? i was none of that. why did you see someone who is far from me, like a god? i hated that.

i still wish i could fucking tell you that to your face, that those expectations weighed on me every single day.

every time i held you, pieced you back together, the more i fell apart as i ignored myself for you, the more i shattered and felt exhausted - physically and mentally. yet i said nothing because if i opened my mouth, you'd fall apart like fragile butterfly wings.

feelings were bottled and ignored, tears were then shed every single day. tired, tired, i'm so tired.

so when i saw you again after lock down, i (though with hesitation because i was scared) broke up with you, tears in my eyes as i slipped away.

finally i felt free for once. i didn't need to feel like i was on a stage with needles scattered on said stage. i was like a puppet with their strings cut.

yet guilt bled into me. yet i knew i wasn't responsible for what you feel now. its out of my hands, and out of mind.

i hate you. i still hate you. i don't want to do anything with you. i may have left you high and hanging, but it didn't matter to me at all, because i didn't care at all.

whatever you felt, didn't matter to me at all.

the only thing i can thank you for was that i finally figured myself out. im aromantic and ace - as i had no interest in getting dick shoved in my mouth and i didn't really feel loved. i couldn't reciprocate the love that i didn't understand, that made me uncomfortable.

thanks for that, i guess, but overall please stay the fuck away from me and out of my way. i hate you so fucking much.

It’s you... it’s YOU.

I dont want to ruin this. I’m sorry.

You're like a magnet I can't escape, I always come back even if I don't want to