this is the last letter i'm writing to you here. i appreciate our shared memories. i think sometimes about how we went from talking everyday nd making each other feel so happy and laugh so much to this - hardly talking and arguing when we do talk. i was looking back on our facetime live photos today. we were best friends for 3 years. we understood each other. things had to end though and i understand that now, and i'm ok with that. i no longer wish things ended differently because i love where i'm at now. you say you're happier but i wonder if you geniunely are because you act like we're in competition. i see how when i'm around you try and talk about certain things to make it seem like you're doing better. you owe it to yourself, i know i fucked you up mentally for sometimes. i'm working on forgiving myself for that. we got 100 years here living at best. love yourself kamyla. thank you for caring. iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.
listen to Runaway by Kanye West. mi amor para siempre.

currently hotboxing incense lmao let me open up a window. so last time i wrote on here i said it'd be the last message i write to you. well look at me now hahah. i'm the only one who's written to you here i had no idea the name kamyla was so unique. so.. this should be healing.

i'm letting go of you and i mean it this time. so i'm gonna speak from my heart on here and spill my guts. literally. all my insecurities, all my suppressed feelings and all. to ANYONE reading this, you're in for a show LMFAOO. i love this website because it makes me feel not so alone. like, everyone has their special person who they love so much and are trying to let go of. and share the same feelings with so many people.

i feel a lot you kamyla. but seeing or hearing your name now makes me feel tired and sick. i've been fighting battles with my own thoughts about you for so long. kamyla, kamyla, kamyla. at this point i feel its less about who you are truly, and more about the idea i have of you in my mind. comfort. you were my comfort. and as of recently i've learned to find that comfort from within. but the memories of us still comfort me and i find myself still using them to fall asleep at night. my laying on you and all the times we were there for each other. theres so many details i cant forget. and i remembered the other day the way it felt when we hugged. and it brought me to tears kamyla, i miss you and i fucking hate that i do or i hate to admit it because it seems like you're doing so much better without me.

i havent seen you since march and i hate corona for that. i know you love because it made you a better person, and i know you're happier. i believe that. when you were with me you were depressed and in so much pain and insecurity and i can imagine how you associate me , being with me, with that pain that you felt. i would feel the same. through reflecting on myself and my mistakes during our relationship i realize how vulnerable you were with me and how i took advantage of that. you were insecure, you apologized for the smallest things and i took advantage of that. i made you feel sorry for me, countless times. and i now know i shouldn't have. i really really should not have done that to you.

i asked you out fall 2019. over a year ago. and the fact that i'm still not over you.. i dont even know how to explain how that makes me feel.

lets talk about him. i've been healing and i recognize that i don't even have anything against him. i want to be forgiving of everyone. and i mean everyone. but something your ex getting with A GUY you guys breaking up hurts differently lmao. like.. how do i describe it? it makes me never want to have anything with a bi girl again. i held a grudge against him for that, he gave you something that i was physically incapable of giving you if yk what i mean lmao. it felt like i was practice for everything sexually and you moved on to the real thing. the pain that i felt after all of that happened literally had me questioning questions if i was trans. but i get it. you said it yourself, i've gotta move on. it feels hard but i have to. i feel for you. i feel how you want to just forget about what happened between us. and i want to too. i wanna just be the best me, for me. not trying to prove anything to you. i'm not in competition with anyone and i'm accepting that. you don't belong to me. nothing belongs to me. as frank ocean said, it's a free world. i don't need YOU to percieve me in any kind of way because i am taking care of me FOR me.

i felt so jealous when i think about you and him. i say "felt" and not "feel" because that feeling has faded. i'm forgiving of the entire situation and i recognize the emotional attatchment i had to you which caused me to react to your relationship with him in that way. i took it personally. i wish she never told me about you guys. why do i feel like you're part of my identity?

thats why my focus right now is letting go of you. and i felt that this helped. i'm writing this honestly from the bottom of my heart and i'm not holding anything back. i feel like you care about me, i could tell when we were on that call together.

i dont need to impress you, i feel that.. it's not a competition but i'm doing better than you in my perspective just by letting go of what happened.

i care about you kamyla, this whole thing sounds emotionally detatched but thats the point i've gotten to because i feel i've been about you for so so long. i cant even type the first letter of you name in my phone without it auto suggesting kamyla LMAOOO.

I LET GO OK?
I LOVE YOU BABY.
- forever and always..

im honestly over it. i feel like you said some things i wish you didnt say, but maybe they were things i needed to here. i cant defend my past self because i know i did wrong and im not that same person, but it sucks to hear the truth. i wish youd be more compassionate. bye.

im never going to stop missing you and I understand why you left. ill never stop waiting for you

Still think about u on every song that plays in my playlist.