Unsent messages to ASMAA

every day i still ask myself what if. what if i was there? what if i didn’t go on home leave? what if we sat in the lounge like we did most nights and talked? what if the staff weren’t so neglectful? what if i could have saved you? you didn’t deserve to die in those circumstances. you didn’t deserve to die. you were 17. in a place that was meant to keep you safe. they didn’t keep any of us safe, and you were the one who lost your life due to it. you didn’t deserve it. you didn’t deserve any of the bad things that happened to you. i just hope that you are finally at ease. if i could’ve saved you, trust me i would’ve done it in a heartbeat. i haven’t been able to go anywhere near LW since. i constantly search up your name everywhere hoping you got justice. it was a psych ward that was meant to keep you safe. and you died in their care. i was in the room you passed away in, but i moved to a different one down the hall. what if i didn’t move rooms, would you have still succeeded? you would be 20 by now. but your life stopped at 17. mine is still going, since you passed so much has happened. starting off with: i got discharged, but it didn’t last long and i ended up in general hospital a few times, i turned 16 which was an age i never thought id get to. i unfortunately ended up being sent to an eating disorder unit, but eventually got out and went to france! i started college, and then got sent to day treatment for my eating disorder again. i continued in college at the same time and then unfortunately got sent to hospital again for a month, however i am now around 1&1/2 years NG tube free!! i turned 17 aswell which was more of a shock. the age you were when you passed. i feel so guilty for being alive when you aren’t. i went to greece, and then france again!! and then continued college, on your 2 year anniversary of passing away my parents took me to a rage room. i’ve finally got a better relationship with them and can sometimes even talk to them about my feelings. i hit a very rough patch for a few months but continued through (dropping my a levels as that’s what was best for me). and i turned 18, the dreaded age i didn’t ever even think id be alive to see. you’re still stuck at 17 when you should’ve been 20 by now. this summer was a struggle with so many trauma anniversaries but i lived my life as much as i could and as i know you would’ve wanted me to. i went to america with my mum, and then portugal alone with my friends (without parents), i never thought i would’ve been able to have the freedom, we both dreamed of having when we were stuck in the same 4 walls of the psych ward. AND i went to france again for four weeks with my family. it’s now october, and im still so stuck in life and i feel like i can’t move on the grief i feel. it wasn’t your fault, it’s what you FELT you needed to do, but i wish you knew the world was a better place with YOU in it. i still struggle to believe that the world is a better place with me in it. but i’ve hit some milestones: on 01/08/25 i hit 3 years of not attempting to taking my own life. and i am 7 months clean from any form of SH, which is the longest i have ever been since i started over 5 years ago. i am not recovered and dont think i ever fully will, i think im doing anything right now just to stay afloat. Asmaa, i know you won’t see this, but i love you and im sorry you were one of the many life’s lost due to mental health, specifically neglect in psychiatric hospitals. you were the most beautiful girl (inside and out) with the genuine heart and you just radiated positivity even when you were struggling. i love you and i hope im doing you proud. rest in peace Asmaa.

I'm so tired. I miss you so bad.

i miss you i wish i could’ve saved you that night and not gone on leave and see you recover

i don’t think you see me as person, i wish you did, You’re brilliant

I love you so much and I still hope you would reach out to me, why did u let him get between us.?

you’ve been such a blessing to me, I love you, I’m afraid I don’t deserve you

thought we were cool enough for me to try guess I was wrong